Rape? Nah. Just another night with the Police.
In the...2 1/2 years I've worked for the Police Department, I have embarrassed myself in some very colorful ways.
Take for example the time I was headbanging and dancing violently in my chair when some young officer came walking up behind me. The little shit didn't make a sound for a fool minute of Slipknot, letting me sing my heart out (Which in this case was alot of grunting) and gyrating until he finally coughed one of those "Hey, I'm standing right behind you" coughs and I laughed so hard I was in tears.
Or perhaps the time I was taking a call and swinging my feet so hard under my chair I caught the adjuster knob and sent myself flying, landing in a pile of jeans & telephone cord a few feet away.
Or what about when THE BOSS lined a coworker and I up like a buffet for a pair of young officers. All the time saying, "So, which one do you like? Are you married?"
Tonight, I had one of my infamous adventures while running an errand to the vending machines. I'd been asked to get a bag of chips. That's all. Just a bag of chips. Simple? Hell no.
I stared at the vending machine in horror as the damned thing caught the edge of my foily baggie on the hook of another slot. They hung suspended. Teasing me with their delicate illusiveness.
The way I saw it there were a few options:
1) I retreated back downstairs, defeated, to scrounge up 70 more cents.
2) I attacked the machine in futility, fully knowing I don’t weigh enough to rock the machine properly.
3) I called for backup.
In deference to my surroundings…I called for backup before attacking the machine like some wild thing.
I jammed my feet in the push-slot, climbing up until I could grip the top edges of the machine, clinging to the front like a spider stretched to its max. And then I tried rolling my weight from one side to the other. Nothing. I tried bouncing up and down. Nothing.
I sighed one of the most put-upon sighs of my life, looked around to see if any young officers were sneaking up on me (As they’re prone to do) and then humped the living shit out of that machine.
After two solid minutes of the most vigorous humping of my life…I got my chips!
I jumped down from the machine howling, slightly out of breath (Vigorous humping will do that to you) and pumping my fists in the air in victory! And then I turned in mid-dance to find…
Sunshine frozen in place. Her eyes wide. Her hand over her mouth in the perfect expression of shock as the elevator doors repeatedly tried to shut on her.
We both burst into uncontrollable peels of laughter until I thought I’d piss myself.
Just another night working for the police.
Take for example the time I was headbanging and dancing violently in my chair when some young officer came walking up behind me. The little shit didn't make a sound for a fool minute of Slipknot, letting me sing my heart out (Which in this case was alot of grunting) and gyrating until he finally coughed one of those "Hey, I'm standing right behind you" coughs and I laughed so hard I was in tears.
Or perhaps the time I was taking a call and swinging my feet so hard under my chair I caught the adjuster knob and sent myself flying, landing in a pile of jeans & telephone cord a few feet away.
Or what about when THE BOSS lined a coworker and I up like a buffet for a pair of young officers. All the time saying, "So, which one do you like? Are you married?"
Tonight, I had one of my infamous adventures while running an errand to the vending machines. I'd been asked to get a bag of chips. That's all. Just a bag of chips. Simple? Hell no.
I stared at the vending machine in horror as the damned thing caught the edge of my foily baggie on the hook of another slot. They hung suspended. Teasing me with their delicate illusiveness.
The way I saw it there were a few options:
1) I retreated back downstairs, defeated, to scrounge up 70 more cents.
2) I attacked the machine in futility, fully knowing I don’t weigh enough to rock the machine properly.
3) I called for backup.
In deference to my surroundings…I called for backup before attacking the machine like some wild thing.
I jammed my feet in the push-slot, climbing up until I could grip the top edges of the machine, clinging to the front like a spider stretched to its max. And then I tried rolling my weight from one side to the other. Nothing. I tried bouncing up and down. Nothing.
I sighed one of the most put-upon sighs of my life, looked around to see if any young officers were sneaking up on me (As they’re prone to do) and then humped the living shit out of that machine.
After two solid minutes of the most vigorous humping of my life…I got my chips!
I jumped down from the machine howling, slightly out of breath (Vigorous humping will do that to you) and pumping my fists in the air in victory! And then I turned in mid-dance to find…
Sunshine frozen in place. Her eyes wide. Her hand over her mouth in the perfect expression of shock as the elevator doors repeatedly tried to shut on her.
We both burst into uncontrollable peels of laughter until I thought I’d piss myself.
Just another night working for the police.
Labels: Workin' Hard or Hardly Workin'?
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on 9.12.06 at 4:49 AM.
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