First things first, I have to apologize for erasing my earlier post about Jane Goodall. I really had no choice. Stupid MySpace wouldn't let me edit the thing so I opted to erase it completely. There were far too many words misspelled for my peace of mind.
The basic gist of the post was to celebrate my new love for "Rob & Big" on MTV. Big Black is a god. Instead of going into some long diatribe (That will just distract from the even longer diatribe below) I'll sum up how incredibly cool he is with a quote from the last episode I caught in which he said,
"I'm just a big silver-back gorilla looking for his Jane Goodall."
But back to the point of this post, I've made it pretty well known that I hate prissy men. Give me a manly man fixing my sink over a Metrosexual calling a plumber, anyday. I'll admit, those Queer Eye For A Straight Guy dudes are by the far the funniest gay men on television but they better not ever come near my boyfriend or male relatives. I'd cut them into little itty pieces which I would mix with catfood and donate to the local animal shelter. The only thing left would be their expansive multicolored scarves...which I would steal and regift. Happy Holidays!
So here's a guide for all you poor guys who fell into the Metrosexual wave and now don't know how to resurface into the realistic world of hardcore manly men. Take it from me, I was raised by rednecks and police officers, I know a real man when I see one.
Being A Man: For Dummies
1. Crying is for pussies. I don't care how many times you've seen the Notebook. If you cry (I'm taking into account that there are extenuating circumstances) you're gay.
2. Men don't go to the bathroom in packs. That's strictly a chick thing. We laid claim on it centuries ago. Let it go.
3. While in the bathroom, you must follow a strict Male protocol. No talking. No looking around. Absolutely no touching. If you're spoken to, grunt in response. If you look down, you're gay.
4. Tight pants are for cowboys. Unless you're wearing chaps over those Levi's you're probably wearing them so other men can check out how much time you spent in the gym over summer break.
5. Men don't coordinate their outfits. This must be a completely coincidental thing or the look-a-likes in question will be seen as lovers.
6. Firm handshake. Always.
7. Unless you've been dating for awhile, always offer to drive your girl.
8. Size does matter. If you've got a small penis. Shave. It makes it look bigger.
9. Speaking of tools. Learn to use them. A useful man that can take care of the house, and your girl's friends' houses, are always appreciated and shown off on a regular basis.
10. Don't be a pansy. Learn to open your beer bottles without an opener. Use the side of a table. A tool. You're TEETH.
11. Chicks don't have to drink beer. Men, unless they're James Bond, should almost always drink beer. It's cheap and gets the job done. That should be every man's mantra, "It gets the job done." Think about it.
12. It's okay to shave your balls (Trim regularly atleast! Seriously!), trim your eyebrows and nose hairs, but don't wax your chest. That's just weird. (Unless you've got that whole Teen Wolf thing going on...then trim. Please.)
13. Metrosexuals are fun when you're young and want to show off how pretty your man is, but in the end every girl wants a sexy, rough, handyman she can ride into the sunset.
14. Work out. Seriously. It's not necessary to become some big, bulky muscle man (They usually have small penises anyway) but having a little extra muscle always comes in handy in bed. Always.
15. Don't. Fake. Bake. EVER.
16. You don't necessarily have to like sports, cars or NASCAR (No, it's not a sport. Get over it.) but you should have some hobbies and interests outside of shopping and drinking. Seriously, you don't have a vagina. Yeah. Yeah. Poor you.
17. Don't always wear matching socks. Girls like it when they can do something small like organize your undies and socks for you.
18. Stay away from Man Thongs. Unless you are a male stripper it is never, NEVER appropriate for you to wear these. This goes for speedos also. NEVER.
19. Dancing is actually okay. Do it. Boogey. Shake that toned ass. Men who can shake their hips are usually great in bed.
20. It's a small thing but when you're walking with a girl on the sidewalk, put yourself on the side closest to the street. It's a basic protective gesture.
21. Fancy clothes are great. But you're at home uniform should consist of Hanes and jeans.
22. If you're addicted to nicotine go all out. That chew bullshit is just gross.
23. Don't leave the room to adjust yourself. Just do it. You get to. It's a bonus of having a penis.
24. Don't ever ask your friends what they think of your new haircut. They don't care...unless ofcourse they haven't read this list and converted back to manhood.
25. You really don't need that manpurse. Give it to Goodwill and shove your shit in your wallet like everyone else.
26. A real man gives himself a manicure with the nearest pointy object. You really don't need to have a little asian chick clean your nails. (I'll kill you before I do it for you so don't even ask.)