Hooray for Christmas!
Realized my 3-year-old cousin has this uncanny 6th sense that allows him to know when an adult is falling asleep and the astonishing ability to launch himself at them at full-speed from anywhere in the house.
Made out like a crazy friggin' Christmas bandit. Presents all around! It was crazy.
Listened to my mother's long disturbing discription of how EXACTLY she planned to kill my step-grandmother by stabbing her in the heart (I'm not entirely sure it would do the job.) with a fork we used for turkey instead.
Watched my dad call my 27-year-old cousin a pussy for not wanting to go outside in the cold to grill his own wife's steak. Pussy indeed.
Fell asleep watching Talladega Nights. Twice. That shit was dumb.
Practiced smuggling midgets across the border with my giant new camoflage luggage (My brother's gift to me.) with my dog as a guinea pig.
Built a fort of pillows and throw blankets. Then my cousins found me and tore the thing down.
Received a mass amount of giftcards to my ultimate happy place. Borders. Hooray!
Had my stupid little (Ha!) brother attack me with what I can only describe as the Vulcan Death Grip in the kitchen for my Christmas Pizza Rolls.
Played hide and seek with my 3 & 4-year-old cousins only to realize Mason's achilles' heal. If I said, "Ready or not..." He would answer from where ever he had hidden, "Come and find me!" or "Jessie, we're downstairs! Come and find us!" or "I'm in the bathroom, behind the door, under the towel! Come and find me!"
Watched the annual family fish fry in disgust! Reheated a crispy chicken breast from KFC for my own annual Christmas dinner. Put it on a fancy Christmas plate and created a new tradition. Christmas Chicken!
Took a shot of vodka with my aunt to offset the high-pitched screaming of my step-grandmother and mother in the kitchen.
Watched my aunt sputter uncontrollably after the shot. Spit OJ all over my uncle because I couldn't stop laughing.
Accidentally punched my step-grandmother. Oops. (I say as I punch my fists in the air in absolute victory.)
Sliced bread.
Listened to this exact conversation and almost pissed my pants from laughing:
My Uncle: "Missy got me 'The Kite Runner'."
My Mom: "Oh yeah? I didn't know they'd made it a movie."
My Uncle: "They didn't."
My Mom: "Oh..."
My Uncle: "I can read."
My Mom: "Oh!"
Watched a drunk Santa stumble into my Grandfather's house and deliver presents to the kids only to hear him call my cousin Mason, "Nathan" for a half-hour. Then had to shove my fist in my mouth as my other cousin said, "He smells funny. And not cookie-funny either."
Listened to my uncles and brother chant, "Mom! Meatloaf! Fuck!" Over and over.
Confessed to my family that I had had the "sex talk" with my 13-year-old cousin in the mall a few weeks ago. My dad looked at me with his steely-cop-stare and said, "But it's not like you had anything to tell her." I nodded like a hypnotized bird staring into the eyes of a cobra.
Forked over my Xmas money to my hording little brother because he didn't want anything. Yeah, well. I wanted a gym bag and instead got camo luggage, you little bastard.
Was forced to listen to Rod Stewart tribute songs for 45-minutes with my dad.
Listened to my Mom randomly yell, "I'm all hopped up on Mountain Dew, Grandpa! I'll come at you like a spider monkey!"
Got blamed for my mother's sweater being the wrong size. I had absolutely nothing to do with that sweater.
Struggled for three days, under the guise of Santa and his elves, to get my nephew's Robosapien (A break dancing robot) to work only to have him announce, "But I wanted the robot dog." Little shit.
Listened to my Grandfather tell me, in great detail, all about his diarrhea.
Played a cut-throat game of Scrabble with a winner takes all pot of $30 with my family.
Cackled evilly as my brother called my mom a "dirty cheater" and stomped off when he lost.
Merry Christmas to All! 6AM I'm hittin' the mall!
Made out like a crazy friggin' Christmas bandit. Presents all around! It was crazy.
Listened to my mother's long disturbing discription of how EXACTLY she planned to kill my step-grandmother by stabbing her in the heart (I'm not entirely sure it would do the job.) with a fork we used for turkey instead.
Watched my dad call my 27-year-old cousin a pussy for not wanting to go outside in the cold to grill his own wife's steak. Pussy indeed.
Fell asleep watching Talladega Nights. Twice. That shit was dumb.
Practiced smuggling midgets across the border with my giant new camoflage luggage (My brother's gift to me.) with my dog as a guinea pig.
Built a fort of pillows and throw blankets. Then my cousins found me and tore the thing down.
Received a mass amount of giftcards to my ultimate happy place. Borders. Hooray!
Had my stupid little (Ha!) brother attack me with what I can only describe as the Vulcan Death Grip in the kitchen for my Christmas Pizza Rolls.
Played hide and seek with my 3 & 4-year-old cousins only to realize Mason's achilles' heal. If I said, "Ready or not..." He would answer from where ever he had hidden, "Come and find me!" or "Jessie, we're downstairs! Come and find us!" or "I'm in the bathroom, behind the door, under the towel! Come and find me!"
Watched the annual family fish fry in disgust! Reheated a crispy chicken breast from KFC for my own annual Christmas dinner. Put it on a fancy Christmas plate and created a new tradition. Christmas Chicken!
Took a shot of vodka with my aunt to offset the high-pitched screaming of my step-grandmother and mother in the kitchen.
Watched my aunt sputter uncontrollably after the shot. Spit OJ all over my uncle because I couldn't stop laughing.
Accidentally punched my step-grandmother. Oops. (I say as I punch my fists in the air in absolute victory.)
Sliced bread.
Listened to this exact conversation and almost pissed my pants from laughing:
My Uncle: "Missy got me 'The Kite Runner'."
My Mom: "Oh yeah? I didn't know they'd made it a movie."
My Uncle: "They didn't."
My Mom: "Oh..."
My Uncle: "I can read."
My Mom: "Oh!"
Watched a drunk Santa stumble into my Grandfather's house and deliver presents to the kids only to hear him call my cousin Mason, "Nathan" for a half-hour. Then had to shove my fist in my mouth as my other cousin said, "He smells funny. And not cookie-funny either."
Listened to my uncles and brother chant, "Mom! Meatloaf! Fuck!" Over and over.
Confessed to my family that I had had the "sex talk" with my 13-year-old cousin in the mall a few weeks ago. My dad looked at me with his steely-cop-stare and said, "But it's not like you had anything to tell her." I nodded like a hypnotized bird staring into the eyes of a cobra.
Forked over my Xmas money to my hording little brother because he didn't want anything. Yeah, well. I wanted a gym bag and instead got camo luggage, you little bastard.
Was forced to listen to Rod Stewart tribute songs for 45-minutes with my dad.
Listened to my Mom randomly yell, "I'm all hopped up on Mountain Dew, Grandpa! I'll come at you like a spider monkey!"
Got blamed for my mother's sweater being the wrong size. I had absolutely nothing to do with that sweater.
Struggled for three days, under the guise of Santa and his elves, to get my nephew's Robosapien (A break dancing robot) to work only to have him announce, "But I wanted the robot dog." Little shit.
Listened to my Grandfather tell me, in great detail, all about his diarrhea.
Played a cut-throat game of Scrabble with a winner takes all pot of $30 with my family.
Cackled evilly as my brother called my mom a "dirty cheater" and stomped off when he lost.
Merry Christmas to All! 6AM I'm hittin' the mall!
Labels: Holiday (Cue Madonna)
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on 26.12.06 at 5:50 PM.
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