Shot in the ass. No icecream in sight.
You know that scene in Forrest Gump where Tom Hanks is shot in the ass and when he's in the army hospital he gets all the icecream he wants? Hmph...no icecream here. Granted, I wasn't shot in the ass while carrying another soldier to safety. And I don't have the IQ of my frozen cream...but still...I want some. Where is it? Where is my icecream? Fuck you, Tom Hanks. And your fluffy, vanilla icecream.
So maybe I got a little ahead of myself. I suppose I should explain how I got shot in the ass. It was a needle. Wait, excuse me, it was a big fucking needle. In. The. Ass.
And it hurt.
I suppose I didn't really think that much about the actual process as I stumbled into the Doctor's office at 0dark30 this morning (Translation: 9 AM). I mean, I get a call from my doctor saying I can get this shot to prevent cervical cancer and its covered by my insurance, what am I gonna say? "No thanks, I think I can handle cancer. I've lived long enough, anyway. Besides if I do get some deadly incapacitating disease, I'd definitely want it to be in my vagina. You know? Women parts and all that are totally overrated."
Um...nope. I got my ass out of bed and rolled into the doc's. Only to find out that said ass was getting shot. Not the kind of surprise I'm used to dealing with that early in the morning.
(Now, guys may want to skip down a bit unless you like hearing about girly-parts and their maintenance.) So I'm sitting on that crinkly white paper, staring like a zombie at the little glass jar of cottonballs, when my friendly Doc comes in and says, "Oh, by the way. I was looking at your chart and you're do for your Pap next month. Wanna just get it done today?"
I blinked rather slowly at her. "Um, Doc? I really like you and all...but it's a bit early for you to be going...you know...there."
She smiled her amused little smile (She is way too used to my antics). "K. Well, we'll getcha' scheduled soon."
(Okay, guys. You're good to start reading again.)
A few minutes later my favorite nurse came waltzing in. This particular nurse knows my entire family and medical history. She knows my school, my major, my boyfriend, my tendency to gag obnoxiously when she's swabbing my throat for Strep. And...she knows I have this thing about shots. I've had way too many in my lifetime. I was on an Allergy shot regimen when I was younger that included two shots in each arm three times a week for three fucking years. YEARS. Suffice it to say...I'm sick of people jabbing little sharp objects into my body...and my favorite knows this. Not that it stops her from giving me the shots...but I'm certain she feels awful about it.
"So, where exactly am I getting this one? My arm?"
"Nope." She gave me a sad look. "In your boo-tay."
I wanted to say, "Is that the technical term?" Like Val Kilmer in Batman Forever (Look it up. I know my Batman.) But, it being so damn early, I ignored the Bat-alarms going off in my head and dropped my pants.
I know what you perverts are thinking. "So, wait. All we have to do is say we're going to stick something in your ass and you just drop your pants?" The Answer: If its really early in the morning and I've got 4 hours of sleep...yes. That's all there is to it. I've never been ass spelunking but 9AM is my braindead hour. I may look alive but I'm really not.
Anyway, I'm bent over this little table with my fav nurse behind when she says, "You'll feel a little pinch."
Okay, there's the pinch...and there's the totally unbelievable burning pain shooting through my ass that she NEVER FUCKING MENTIONED!
"I like your jeans."
I growled something incoherent while my ass throbbed.
"Guess?"
I nodded violently.
"I didn't know they made lowrise flares."
Oh my God! How can you talk about flares at a time like this! My ass is on fire!
"They're cute."
"Flat butt."
"What?"
I groaned, reaching for anything to talk about other than the searing pain in my right butt cheek. "Iswaminhighschool-AndeverybodysaysIhaveaflatass- Becauseofitandtheyneverdropitso-thesearetheonlyjeans-thatfitmyflatass!" I think I shouted it at her.
She made some agreeing sound. "Well they look good on you." And then she released me from her death grip. My cheek was free!
I flopped onto the exam table like a dead fish.
"I'll be back in a few minutes to check on you and then you can go."
I laid there motionless until she told me I could leave. I felt so used.
The End
PS
I'm still waiting on my goddamn icecream.
So maybe I got a little ahead of myself. I suppose I should explain how I got shot in the ass. It was a needle. Wait, excuse me, it was a big fucking needle. In. The. Ass.
And it hurt.
I suppose I didn't really think that much about the actual process as I stumbled into the Doctor's office at 0dark30 this morning (Translation: 9 AM). I mean, I get a call from my doctor saying I can get this shot to prevent cervical cancer and its covered by my insurance, what am I gonna say? "No thanks, I think I can handle cancer. I've lived long enough, anyway. Besides if I do get some deadly incapacitating disease, I'd definitely want it to be in my vagina. You know? Women parts and all that are totally overrated."
Um...nope. I got my ass out of bed and rolled into the doc's. Only to find out that said ass was getting shot. Not the kind of surprise I'm used to dealing with that early in the morning.
(Now, guys may want to skip down a bit unless you like hearing about girly-parts and their maintenance.) So I'm sitting on that crinkly white paper, staring like a zombie at the little glass jar of cottonballs, when my friendly Doc comes in and says, "Oh, by the way. I was looking at your chart and you're do for your Pap next month. Wanna just get it done today?"
I blinked rather slowly at her. "Um, Doc? I really like you and all...but it's a bit early for you to be going...you know...there."
She smiled her amused little smile (She is way too used to my antics). "K. Well, we'll getcha' scheduled soon."
(Okay, guys. You're good to start reading again.)
A few minutes later my favorite nurse came waltzing in. This particular nurse knows my entire family and medical history. She knows my school, my major, my boyfriend, my tendency to gag obnoxiously when she's swabbing my throat for Strep. And...she knows I have this thing about shots. I've had way too many in my lifetime. I was on an Allergy shot regimen when I was younger that included two shots in each arm three times a week for three fucking years. YEARS. Suffice it to say...I'm sick of people jabbing little sharp objects into my body...and my favorite knows this. Not that it stops her from giving me the shots...but I'm certain she feels awful about it.
"So, where exactly am I getting this one? My arm?"
"Nope." She gave me a sad look. "In your boo-tay."
I wanted to say, "Is that the technical term?" Like Val Kilmer in Batman Forever (Look it up. I know my Batman.) But, it being so damn early, I ignored the Bat-alarms going off in my head and dropped my pants.
I know what you perverts are thinking. "So, wait. All we have to do is say we're going to stick something in your ass and you just drop your pants?" The Answer: If its really early in the morning and I've got 4 hours of sleep...yes. That's all there is to it. I've never been ass spelunking but 9AM is my braindead hour. I may look alive but I'm really not.
Anyway, I'm bent over this little table with my fav nurse behind when she says, "You'll feel a little pinch."
Okay, there's the pinch...and there's the totally unbelievable burning pain shooting through my ass that she NEVER FUCKING MENTIONED!
"I like your jeans."
I growled something incoherent while my ass throbbed.
"Guess?"
I nodded violently.
"I didn't know they made lowrise flares."
Oh my God! How can you talk about flares at a time like this! My ass is on fire!
"They're cute."
"Flat butt."
"What?"
I groaned, reaching for anything to talk about other than the searing pain in my right butt cheek. "Iswaminhighschool-AndeverybodysaysIhaveaflatass- Becauseofitandtheyneverdropitso-thesearetheonlyjeans-thatfitmyflatass!" I think I shouted it at her.
She made some agreeing sound. "Well they look good on you." And then she released me from her death grip. My cheek was free!
I flopped onto the exam table like a dead fish.
"I'll be back in a few minutes to check on you and then you can go."
I laid there motionless until she told me I could leave. I felt so used.
The End
PS
I'm still waiting on my goddamn icecream.
Labels: Completely Unrelated Rantings
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on 7.10.06 at 5:24 PM.
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