So I had my head in this guy's crotch when...
Up until a few months ago I'd never had a cavity in my life. Honestly, I didn't really know what they were. But then Finals last semester were ridiculous and I was drinking can after can of Mountain Dew just to stay alive! It was horrible. Like, life and death horrible. And then I got my very first cavity. Which was worse. (I blame the schools.) But the cavity was still relatively harmless. Somewhere deep in the recesses of my mouth. Easily forgotten. In fact, I don't really remember alot of the process 'cause I slept through the whole thing. (Again, I blame the schools.)
Fast forward to a couple days ago, when I noticed a tooth in the very back of my mouth was a little tender. And that was how I found myself laying nearly upside-down with my head between some middle-aged man's knees while he told me over and over again, "Gee, you've got the smallest mouth..."
As if that wasn't uncomfortable enough it was 8 fucking AM! Yeah, you heard right. 0 dark 30 for those who don't know my night owl (or bushbaby according to Suzan) schedule. But I digress...
So I've got my head in between this guys knees, (Literally, he kept kneeing my shoulder for God's sake) and my mouth propped open as far as it'll go.
"You really do have a small mouth. Did you know that?"
I gargled something in response. (When translated it went something like this, "Fuck you, Dentist man!") And then my creepy dentist babbled about the weather, I supposed because he couldn't decipher my gargly responses.
"Okay, I'm going to have you look at nurse Mary." Nurse Mary waved at me as if I'd confuse her with the millions of other non-existent nurses jammed into the cubicle. "And I'm going to pull your cheek in the opposite direction. You really have a small mouth."
I glared at him.
"Okey dokey."
And then it began. The longest 25-minutes of my young adult life.
Nurse Mary kept telling me to look at her as THE DENTIST wedged my cheek as far in the opposite direction as he could get it. And there it remained. I felt like the joker. In fact I wondered for approximately 7-minutes whether I would end up having that weird uplifted smile on 1/2 my face after the torture ended. Makeup would never cover it.
Then there was the fact that I was (stop me if you've heard this before) hanging upside-down with my head in my dentist's crotch! I had already developed a sort of early-morning vertigo feeling in the pit of my stomach when he pulled out this miniature gold-plated-tooth-buffer-thing. I'd never had any problems with the tooth buffer before but for some reason today, when the dentist from hell placed it on my back tooth my entire head started to vibrate. It was like I had passed out first at some party and one of my fucked-up-nutjob friends had put a vibrator in my ear. I thought I was going to puke.
And then I started to think...if I did puke on this guy maybe he'd let me go home. Maybe I could live with a hole in my tooth. I mean it wouldn't be that bad. I'd adjust. Chew on only one side of my mouth or something. Puree my entrees. I'd survive. Good plan! But then common sense won out and I decided not to puke on the dentist who had captured my skull between his flabby thighs.
While Dr. Satan (I'm convinced that's his professional wrestling name) continued to jam as many little tools (Ever notice how intimidating those things are as they're coming at your face?) in my mouth as he could fit, he continually muttered under his breath, "So small. So small."
To distract myself I thought, "Okay, just think of England. England. England." But that brought on an entirely new problem completely in itself. I have this crazy memory when it comes to texts, and one of my favorite chick-lit authors is MaryJanice Davidson (Check her out she's hilarious.) who I happened to have been reading the night before. And as I thought of England a quote from one of her books popped into my brain...
"…and so I lay there and, as they say to do, thought of England. Except I was really thinking about his big dick and drooling at what he was going to do to me with it."
I burst out laughing...and then choked on some little hooked tool that Nurse Mary had been trying to kill me with.
Flabby thighs, small mouth and penis references aside...I think I did pretty well today.
But my dentist may have to die.
Fast forward to a couple days ago, when I noticed a tooth in the very back of my mouth was a little tender. And that was how I found myself laying nearly upside-down with my head between some middle-aged man's knees while he told me over and over again, "Gee, you've got the smallest mouth..."
As if that wasn't uncomfortable enough it was 8 fucking AM! Yeah, you heard right. 0 dark 30 for those who don't know my night owl (or bushbaby according to Suzan) schedule. But I digress...
So I've got my head in between this guys knees, (Literally, he kept kneeing my shoulder for God's sake) and my mouth propped open as far as it'll go.
"You really do have a small mouth. Did you know that?"
I gargled something in response. (When translated it went something like this, "Fuck you, Dentist man!") And then my creepy dentist babbled about the weather, I supposed because he couldn't decipher my gargly responses.
"Okay, I'm going to have you look at nurse Mary." Nurse Mary waved at me as if I'd confuse her with the millions of other non-existent nurses jammed into the cubicle. "And I'm going to pull your cheek in the opposite direction. You really have a small mouth."
I glared at him.
"Okey dokey."
And then it began. The longest 25-minutes of my young adult life.
Nurse Mary kept telling me to look at her as THE DENTIST wedged my cheek as far in the opposite direction as he could get it. And there it remained. I felt like the joker. In fact I wondered for approximately 7-minutes whether I would end up having that weird uplifted smile on 1/2 my face after the torture ended. Makeup would never cover it.
Then there was the fact that I was (stop me if you've heard this before) hanging upside-down with my head in my dentist's crotch! I had already developed a sort of early-morning vertigo feeling in the pit of my stomach when he pulled out this miniature gold-plated-tooth-buffer-thing. I'd never had any problems with the tooth buffer before but for some reason today, when the dentist from hell placed it on my back tooth my entire head started to vibrate. It was like I had passed out first at some party and one of my fucked-up-nutjob friends had put a vibrator in my ear. I thought I was going to puke.
And then I started to think...if I did puke on this guy maybe he'd let me go home. Maybe I could live with a hole in my tooth. I mean it wouldn't be that bad. I'd adjust. Chew on only one side of my mouth or something. Puree my entrees. I'd survive. Good plan! But then common sense won out and I decided not to puke on the dentist who had captured my skull between his flabby thighs.
While Dr. Satan (I'm convinced that's his professional wrestling name) continued to jam as many little tools (Ever notice how intimidating those things are as they're coming at your face?) in my mouth as he could fit, he continually muttered under his breath, "So small. So small."
To distract myself I thought, "Okay, just think of England. England. England." But that brought on an entirely new problem completely in itself. I have this crazy memory when it comes to texts, and one of my favorite chick-lit authors is MaryJanice Davidson (Check her out she's hilarious.) who I happened to have been reading the night before. And as I thought of England a quote from one of her books popped into my brain...
"…and so I lay there and, as they say to do, thought of England. Except I was really thinking about his big dick and drooling at what he was going to do to me with it."
I burst out laughing...and then choked on some little hooked tool that Nurse Mary had been trying to kill me with.
Flabby thighs, small mouth and penis references aside...I think I did pretty well today.
But my dentist may have to die.
Labels: Completely Unrelated Rantings
This entry was posted
on 27.9.06 at 7:26 PM.
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9:06 AMI have a mouth full of silver. I am always afraid I'll get strip searched at the airport for setting off the metal detector and they won't find any obvious metal on my person.
I hate the dentist.
The nitrous is good though.
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