My Epidemic

A friend sent this to me. I couldn't help but post it. It's hilarious.


Beer vs. Vagina
A running tally for the typical male who has taken part in that endless debate of which deserves more attention, beer or the vagina.

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER.

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA.

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER.

4. You don't have to worry about finding a hair in your beer. Vagina is a different story.
One point to BEER.

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA.

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA.

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA.

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER.

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA.

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA.

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA.

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER.

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER.

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER.

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc... with vagina you also have a choice, white, black, asian, hispanic, and eskimo...
Call it a DRAW.

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER.

18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER.

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.
One point to BEER.

20. An excess amount of vagina will not force you to have your liver detoxified in the emergency room.
One point to VAGINA.

21. Your access to beer is not limited by menstruation cycles, emotions, principles, or your beer being tired and/or not in the mood.
One point to BEER.

22. Having an open beer in your car is illegal. Having a girl in your car without pants on is just fucking cool.
One point to VAGINA.

23. Beer will never complain about how fast your are done with it and on to the next one.
One point to BEER.

24. No matter how many times you partake, the opening to a bottle/can of beer never gets stretched out to where it's no longer enjoyable.
One point to BEER.

25. If you are at a party and you grab a beer, regardless from where you pick it up, there is absolutely no chance that beer will give you a disease that will ruin your life.
One point to BEER.

26. Vagina from places other than Germany, Ireland and Canada are worth enjoying. The same cannot be said for beer.

One point to Vagina.

27.Vagina makes you erect and wet, beer gives you erectile dysfunction and dehydrates you.
One point to VAGINA.

28. You dont have take beer to dinner and a movie to enjoy it.
One point to BEER.

29. if a beer gives head, its a bad thing. if vagina gives head, its all good.
One point to VAGINA.

30. Two beers at one time and you're content, but two vaginas at one time and you're in heaven.
One point to VAGINA.

31. One too many beers can ruin a night; one too many vaginas... well now there's just no such thing!
One point to VAGINA.

32. If you throw up after drinking alot of beer youv'e had a good night.... if you throw up after having vagina you need to go to the doctor
One point to BEER.

33. You dont have to be 21 to get vagina legally.
One point to VAGINA.

34. The going rate for beer is around $3 at a bar - the going rate for vagina is about $50 on the street.
One point to BEER.

35. Waking up next to a disgusting beer is not as bad as waking up next to an ugly girl.
One point to BEER.

36. You might wonder what you're drinking if the beer doesn't have a label but if the girl doesn't have clothes then you could care less
One point to VAGINA.

37. If one of ur friends drinks ur beer its fine, but if they hook up with your vagina then you have a problem.
One point to BEER.

38. I've had more luck shoulder tapping for beer than I have for vagina.
One point to BEER.

39. it's simple...stick your dick in a beer can...and see how that goes...stick your dick in vagina...and well ENJOY!
One point to VAGINA.

40. Beer will not cook you breakfast in the morning.
One point to VAGINA.

41. Beer doesnt need more then a sip every once in a while to keep it happy.
One point to BEER.

42. Beer can turn green if left out to long, vagina can turn green also if left out to long, but you can stomach the beer.
One point to BEER.

43. Beer doesn't expect you to shower gifts upon it every anniversary. It doesn't even expect anniversaries.
One point to BEER.

44. When you finish a beer, seeing it again later is a bad thing. When you are finished with a vagina, seeing it again later is usually a good thing.
One point to VAGINA.

45. It takes multiple beers to get the feeling you're after. It should only take one vagina.
One point to VAGINA.

46. Beer fills a void inside your soul, you fill a void inside vagina.
Call it a draw.

47. Beer tends to be STD free.
One point to BEER.

48. Beer never checks out other potential partners. The same cannot be said for vagina..
One point to BEER.

49. You can always enjoy beer without a tightly wrapped piece of plastic around your penis.
One point to BEER.

Labels: All things Vagina, Drunken Adventures, Guest Appearances

I've been without blogging inspiration as of late so instead of posting little pictures of kissing puppies or kilts blowing in the wind, I've decided to post one of my good friend's blogs. It made me laugh till I thought milk would come out my nose (even though I had no idea what he was talking about most the time) so I figure some of you may enjoy it also. Lift your milk glasses, friends and say cheers to Coke on your testicles.

"Chrono Trigger is the best game in the history of ever. Not only do you travel through time and kick the asses of monsters that are massively much bigger than you, but the characters are varied and lovingly memorable. You have a robot, a frog man and a buxom prehistoric blonde bombshell. It may only be 16-bit, but she's fuckin' hot. Swords, guns, aliens, monsters and saving the world. All on the Super Nintendo system. They could have stopped at the SNES, if you ask me. In the long run, Nintendo peaked a little early. Of course, there's something to be said about modern fighting games where the female characters' boobs actually move. Not the most important part of the game, but it's nice to know that those programmers really take their jobs seriously. Y'know, taking pride in their work and all that jazz. It's little touches like these that make me wonder how people were ever happy with Pong. Oh, right, the seventies. Not exactly our nation's proudest years. You know the stuff on nicotine patches? No, not nicotine, the stuff the put on the patch that allows the nicotine to enter your bloodstream through your skin. Well, in the seventies, everybody (see also, the tight asses) was afraid that somebody would mix that same chemical with a batch of LSD and start painting doorknobs with it, effectively tweaking everybody within a 6 block area out of their freakin' skulls. To my knowledge, it never happened. Why would anyone want to waste that much LSD on people who would never appreciate it? Which reminds me, did you know that the original drummer from Jefferson Airplane abused drugs so much that he still has daily conversations with Jesus, God and Ghandi? He has that many holes in his brain. Which is why I try to stay away from Coca Cola. I know it's a big jump from LSD to caffeine, but Coke can eat through a fuckin' metal bolt in just over a week. I'm not taking any chances. So remember: Chrono Trigger good; LSD on your doorknob and Coke on your testacles bad."

Labels: Guest Appearances, Penis

For some reason my boobs have been out of control lately. I have no idea why. But every picture of me recently has been all boobs.
You can't even tell if there are other people in the photo because your eyes are drawn to the boobs. As if by some jedi-mind-trick it's just suddenly like BAM! BOOBS! People? I don't see people. All I see are huge boobs.
I have come to the conclusion that my girls have acquired evil super powers. Not only are they getting me accussed of having on a Madonesque cone bra or recently siliconed breastesses, but they have recently attracted a bit too much attention for my taste. Yesterday I received a 2-minute message from a morbid, work-related friend about my "crazy titties." And now even my mom when I walk into a room yells, "What is the deal with your boobs lately?" Fuck if I know, Mom!
If anyone has any information about why my boobs have chosen to take on a life of their own please pass it along to me. I'm about to put out a missing persons on my normally sane cleavage.

And as if by way of the almighty, my favorite male blogger chose this same topic in which to rant about in his latest post.
See A Tale of Two Titties. It's well worth it.

Labels: All things Vagina, Guest Appearances

Don't worry, I'm not going to rant on and on about how Mel Gibson is a jackass, which he is but that's not the point of this blog. Neither is the point to babble incoherently about Braveheart and how it rocks my world even though Mel's accent is terrible, so I've decided to let someone else do the talking.
I've posted a link to one of my favorite blogs in which this really quirky bald man talks about the lessons he's learned from the Passion's fanatical creator. It's hilarious and insightful.
Besides, it's not like you really want to listen to me bitching about the guy anyway. Because seriously, who goes from Mad Max to Signs to The Passion. Seriously. What kind of person does that! I mean complete opposites of the spectrum here, buddy. But I digress...

Here's the address for the blog: http://iamgettingfat.blogspot.com/2006/08/magic-man.html

Labels: Guest Appearances

I don't even care how fucking corny it sounds. I love Josh Hartnett. I've loved that man since my middleschool days and will die loving him.
I mean the fact that I still worship Hartnett despite having been in a movie with Ben Affleck is the truest form of love I've ever heard of.
I also love any movie/book/whateva that has vampires and werewolves and just gruesome shit in general. So the fact that Hartnett just signed onto some movie with vampires is the hottest thing I've heard all week.
I'm getting excited just thinking about.
I don't even care that its supposed to be set in Alaska, (Which is probably the lamest thing I've ever heard, what kind of vampire goes to Alaska? Blah. Lame.) if Josh Hartnett is going to be kicking ass (and possibly taking his shirt off) I'm there.
Hollywood Gossip Whores: Josh Hartnett is a Vampire Hunter#links

Labels: Guest Appearances

This post on The Company Bitch blog, cracks me up everytime I read it:
http://thecompanybitch.blogspot.com/2006/05/re-boyfriend-always-surprises-me-with.html
It's a sort of twisted fusion between Dilbert and Sex And The City. Totally worth a look at.

Labels: Guest Appearances