Why I Stick With The Penis
It seems like whenever I get drunk, I inevitably end up debating the benefits and disadvantages of being a heterosexual female in today’s society versus a lesbian. As my friends can vouch for me, whenever I have problems with the Boyfriend or men in general I tend to rant about how being a lesbian would be so much easier but have not actually tried exploring that avenue of thought any further. So today my topic is: "Why I stick with the penis."
The fact is that the inevitable questions that run through my straight-girl mind when it comes to changing teams are almost too complicated to even be worth the crossover. For example, if I did become a lesbian what kind of lesbian would I be? Would I be butch? Girly? A candy bisexual? Would I still dress like a girl or would I try and pass myself off as a guy with small hands? Are lesbians allowed to own vibrators? Do we have to have a rainbow bumpersticker? Will I constantly be hounded by drunk guys to make out with my friend? Do lesbian couples make better parents? Are gay bars actually better than straight bars? If I slip up and go home with a really hot, Eric Bana looking guy can I still be a lesbian?
Even if all my questions were answered by some sort of lesbian Yoda, there are even greater reasons why I could never actually turn my Down-With-The-Penis rants into anything more than eloquent bitching, the biggest of course being that I don’t actually find women sexually appealing.
I mean, let’s face it, women are generally more attractive than men but you don’t usually find yourself wanting to rip a girlfriend’s clothes off just to get to her washboard abs. And dear God, can you imagine if you and your girlfriend were on the same menstrual cycle? It’d be a bloodbath…no pun intended. Not to mention the fact that women are naturally more catty than men, by this I mean we’re all fucking crazy.
We tend to see things that aren’t there and blame it on women’s intuition like, "I saw her give me a look in the meeting. I mean she was all smiles and jokes the rest of the time but that one little look negates it all! It’s probably because my ass looks so much better than hers in these jeans. That’s probably it…She better not get in my face about this or I’ll fuck her up! Anorexic bitch! I know she was eyeballing me. I know it! See if I’m her Maid of Honor ever again!"
But while women are fucking crazy, men are dogs. Literally, if they’re not sniffing at your ass they’re sure as hell sticking their nose in someone else’s. The list of reasons not to become a lesbian is extensive, but while the list of negatives for staying heterosexual is short, it’s thorough: Men are douchebags. That’s it. That’s all she wrote…literally. I’m not adding anymore to that list because it covers all the basics. Heterosexual men are generally pigheaded, egocentric gluttons, who are either hungry or horny. Not to mention that most men are hugely homophobic except in the case where they spy two "friendly" women sitting close together at a bar. Then…"Lesbians are so awesome!" Let’s face it, the only males you can trust for anything more than the occasional use of their penis are our Daddies and our dogs. So, to sum up, Men are douchebags.
Usually this is where I’d end this tirade but it’s come to my attention that a new breed of men have emerged. They are known only as, "Metrosexuals." These men seem to be a cross between male and female. They have the bodies of men, but the grooming habits and personalities of women. Personally, I think they should even get their own little blue silhouette sign for bathrooms. But while you’d think this would be a nice compromise for women in my situation, who can’t stand men or women but are inevitably drawn toward the penis, it really isn’t.
Why the hell would I want to date a guy who dresses better than me? Why would I want a guy who has just as many cosmetic products sitting on his side of the sink as I do? Why in GOD’S HOLY NAME would I want to be the one to kill the spiders? The one to check on the creepy noises in the kitchen at 3:30 in the morning? The one that argues with the mechanic about some "necessary" $300 part for the motor in my automatic windows?
Why would I want a man that doesn’t fulfill his manly purposes? It’s like having a really shiny sporty coup with everything automatic and a stereo that is nearly painful on your eardrums it’s so loud, but it doesn’t actually drive. It just looks pretty sitting in your driveway. You can sit in it, wave at your neighbors and glory in their jealous glares…all from your driveway. But not anywhere else. What’s the point in that?
Inevitably, what all this ranting boils down to is this: When all is said and done, would you prefer A) a lesbian who understands way too well your psychotic feminine episodes, B) a pretty man who dresses well but is not in anyway fulfilling the macho duties God handed to Adam, or C) a walking, talking penis who sits on the couch and watches tv all day but fucks your brains out at night…
(Insert pitiful sigh) I choose option C.
The fact is that the inevitable questions that run through my straight-girl mind when it comes to changing teams are almost too complicated to even be worth the crossover. For example, if I did become a lesbian what kind of lesbian would I be? Would I be butch? Girly? A candy bisexual? Would I still dress like a girl or would I try and pass myself off as a guy with small hands? Are lesbians allowed to own vibrators? Do we have to have a rainbow bumpersticker? Will I constantly be hounded by drunk guys to make out with my friend? Do lesbian couples make better parents? Are gay bars actually better than straight bars? If I slip up and go home with a really hot, Eric Bana looking guy can I still be a lesbian?
Even if all my questions were answered by some sort of lesbian Yoda, there are even greater reasons why I could never actually turn my Down-With-The-Penis rants into anything more than eloquent bitching, the biggest of course being that I don’t actually find women sexually appealing.
I mean, let’s face it, women are generally more attractive than men but you don’t usually find yourself wanting to rip a girlfriend’s clothes off just to get to her washboard abs. And dear God, can you imagine if you and your girlfriend were on the same menstrual cycle? It’d be a bloodbath…no pun intended. Not to mention the fact that women are naturally more catty than men, by this I mean we’re all fucking crazy.
We tend to see things that aren’t there and blame it on women’s intuition like, "I saw her give me a look in the meeting. I mean she was all smiles and jokes the rest of the time but that one little look negates it all! It’s probably because my ass looks so much better than hers in these jeans. That’s probably it…She better not get in my face about this or I’ll fuck her up! Anorexic bitch! I know she was eyeballing me. I know it! See if I’m her Maid of Honor ever again!"
But while women are fucking crazy, men are dogs. Literally, if they’re not sniffing at your ass they’re sure as hell sticking their nose in someone else’s. The list of reasons not to become a lesbian is extensive, but while the list of negatives for staying heterosexual is short, it’s thorough: Men are douchebags. That’s it. That’s all she wrote…literally. I’m not adding anymore to that list because it covers all the basics. Heterosexual men are generally pigheaded, egocentric gluttons, who are either hungry or horny. Not to mention that most men are hugely homophobic except in the case where they spy two "friendly" women sitting close together at a bar. Then…"Lesbians are so awesome!" Let’s face it, the only males you can trust for anything more than the occasional use of their penis are our Daddies and our dogs. So, to sum up, Men are douchebags.
Usually this is where I’d end this tirade but it’s come to my attention that a new breed of men have emerged. They are known only as, "Metrosexuals." These men seem to be a cross between male and female. They have the bodies of men, but the grooming habits and personalities of women. Personally, I think they should even get their own little blue silhouette sign for bathrooms. But while you’d think this would be a nice compromise for women in my situation, who can’t stand men or women but are inevitably drawn toward the penis, it really isn’t.
Why the hell would I want to date a guy who dresses better than me? Why would I want a guy who has just as many cosmetic products sitting on his side of the sink as I do? Why in GOD’S HOLY NAME would I want to be the one to kill the spiders? The one to check on the creepy noises in the kitchen at 3:30 in the morning? The one that argues with the mechanic about some "necessary" $300 part for the motor in my automatic windows?
Why would I want a man that doesn’t fulfill his manly purposes? It’s like having a really shiny sporty coup with everything automatic and a stereo that is nearly painful on your eardrums it’s so loud, but it doesn’t actually drive. It just looks pretty sitting in your driveway. You can sit in it, wave at your neighbors and glory in their jealous glares…all from your driveway. But not anywhere else. What’s the point in that?
Inevitably, what all this ranting boils down to is this: When all is said and done, would you prefer A) a lesbian who understands way too well your psychotic feminine episodes, B) a pretty man who dresses well but is not in anyway fulfilling the macho duties God handed to Adam, or C) a walking, talking penis who sits on the couch and watches tv all day but fucks your brains out at night…
(Insert pitiful sigh) I choose option C.
Labels: Penis
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