Thank you, Coach!
My mother has this odd habit...actually the more I think about it the more I realize she'd be really odd if she didn't try to set me up with every available penis she encounters...all the same, this time she went too far.
My little brother plays baseball for our local highschool. (He's the stud of the team by the way.) One of his summer coaches happens to be one of my old classmates. In highschool, I had a bit of a crush on this particular coach until I realized he was a grade-A douchebag and, very maturely, decided instead to hate him. After being dragged to a game last summer, I ran into Lil Bro's Coach and made polite chit-chat. No big deal...or was it? (Insert dramatic duh-Duh-DUH music)
Fast forward to about eight months ago when I received a random Facebook message from said Coach. (For you Facebook virgins, picture a college MySpace.com with lots of drunken photos.) We kept up an awkward penpal relationship, chatting mostly on neutral ground about eachother's families and playing the "Who's had babies and gotten fat" game. All was well until last week, Coach came in town for Lil Bro's graduation and State tournament. Suddenly, Mother is begging me to take the week off from work to "recover from finals" (like she really gives a shit) and to "maybe come to a few ball games...for your Dad...he misses you." So, me being the fabulous, loving daughter that I am, make an appearance at a few games as requested. Then I get lured into dinner afterward with my family and some of the team, ahem, three times. Coach just happens to be there, every time. Plausible. Not likely, but I hadn't yet caught onto the evil scheming going on right under my very nose.
Two nights ago, I was talking to Mother when she casually brought up how nice of a guy Coach is. I nodded slowly, the rusted gears in my brain finally shifting into motion. Then she mentioned that I should call him some night and see if he wants to go out. I made a face. Seeing my confused/pained/pissed expression, she launched into a long, elaborate speech about how she's so happy I'm not with Boyfriend anymore so now I can date Coach...get married...and breed some pups...ASAP. Needless to say, I choked on my drink. Married? MARRIED!
"Are you shitting me?" I replied gracefully.
She looked offended, "No. Why not? He's a nice boy--"
"I'm not questioning Coach! I know Coach! Who the hell are you? You're obviously not my Mother, the birth control Nazi. What have you done with her?"
She blinked at me.
"You can't be serious. You're not. Are you? No. You can't be. Stop looking at me like that. You're not seriously suggesting I marry Coach?"
No answer.
"Jesus, Mother! I'm 21!"
She glared at me for the rest of the night, obviously pissed that her evil plan hadn't worked out the way she'd intended.
But it doesn't end there! Oh no. I caught up with Lil Brother and jokingly made reference to Mother's deranged plotting and he was all like, "Yeah, got that memo about a year ago. Didn't you know?" At that point I sort of started to screech.
It isn't that Coach hasn't matured, cause he totally has. (Especially physically. I mean damn. Haven't seen biceps like that in ages.) But it was that my entire family had been plotting behind my back for nearly a year. Boyfriend and I are still trying to figure out our status and the family is busy marrying me off to some other guy. At one point Mother actually referred to Coach as "the perfect son-in-law." I wanted to cry...and puke...and cry.
My little brother plays baseball for our local highschool. (He's the stud of the team by the way.) One of his summer coaches happens to be one of my old classmates. In highschool, I had a bit of a crush on this particular coach until I realized he was a grade-A douchebag and, very maturely, decided instead to hate him. After being dragged to a game last summer, I ran into Lil Bro's Coach and made polite chit-chat. No big deal...or was it? (Insert dramatic duh-Duh-DUH music)
Fast forward to about eight months ago when I received a random Facebook message from said Coach. (For you Facebook virgins, picture a college MySpace.com with lots of drunken photos.) We kept up an awkward penpal relationship, chatting mostly on neutral ground about eachother's families and playing the "Who's had babies and gotten fat" game. All was well until last week, Coach came in town for Lil Bro's graduation and State tournament. Suddenly, Mother is begging me to take the week off from work to "recover from finals" (like she really gives a shit) and to "maybe come to a few ball games...for your Dad...he misses you." So, me being the fabulous, loving daughter that I am, make an appearance at a few games as requested. Then I get lured into dinner afterward with my family and some of the team, ahem, three times. Coach just happens to be there, every time. Plausible. Not likely, but I hadn't yet caught onto the evil scheming going on right under my very nose.
Two nights ago, I was talking to Mother when she casually brought up how nice of a guy Coach is. I nodded slowly, the rusted gears in my brain finally shifting into motion. Then she mentioned that I should call him some night and see if he wants to go out. I made a face. Seeing my confused/pained/pissed expression, she launched into a long, elaborate speech about how she's so happy I'm not with Boyfriend anymore so now I can date Coach...get married...and breed some pups...ASAP. Needless to say, I choked on my drink. Married? MARRIED!
"Are you shitting me?" I replied gracefully.
She looked offended, "No. Why not? He's a nice boy--"
"I'm not questioning Coach! I know Coach! Who the hell are you? You're obviously not my Mother, the birth control Nazi. What have you done with her?"
She blinked at me.
"You can't be serious. You're not. Are you? No. You can't be. Stop looking at me like that. You're not seriously suggesting I marry Coach?"
No answer.
"Jesus, Mother! I'm 21!"
She glared at me for the rest of the night, obviously pissed that her evil plan hadn't worked out the way she'd intended.
But it doesn't end there! Oh no. I caught up with Lil Brother and jokingly made reference to Mother's deranged plotting and he was all like, "Yeah, got that memo about a year ago. Didn't you know?" At that point I sort of started to screech.
It isn't that Coach hasn't matured, cause he totally has. (Especially physically. I mean damn. Haven't seen biceps like that in ages.) But it was that my entire family had been plotting behind my back for nearly a year. Boyfriend and I are still trying to figure out our status and the family is busy marrying me off to some other guy. At one point Mother actually referred to Coach as "the perfect son-in-law." I wanted to cry...and puke...and cry.
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