My Victory For All Mankind!
So there I was, it's about 1 am on a Saturday night. I'd been drinking since about 8:30 and had tried my very first Yager-bomb. (For those who haven't tried one, don't try it late in the night unless you plan on passing out, otherwise you'll be up all damn night.) I'd crammed a number of drinks into the half-hour before last call and was officially drunk off my non-ass. Since I'd broken the seal early in the night we had stopped at a conveniently placed QT for my fourth or fifth potty-break. As I pranced into the gas station alongside Sunshine, waving at everyone that met my eye, I bore witness to the most horrifying sight a drunk person can ever come across...(Insert dramatic duh-Duh-DUH!) a QT employee mopping the entire aisle that led to the bathroom. It was chaos! 'Slick When Wet' signs were everywhere! Mops lay discarded amongst the slimy tile floor! And yes, there were bright orange cones tossed amongst the disorder! Oh, the ANARCHY! It was like a drunken obstacle course! I just knew, KNEW I was going to die.
I turned to Sunshine in slow-motion like in the movies. With my eyes wide, my face pale, I starred at her over my shoulder like seeing the monster chasing you for the very first time, "Oh my GOD! I’m going to die! DIE! I can’t do this! Let’s go somewhere else."
"Where else?"
"I don’t know! Dear God, just take me somewhere without mops!"
She laughed and non-too-gently pushed me toward the wet terrain, "You’ll make it. Just don’t run."
Okay. Don’t run. Easy, right? Right. I glared at the Mopping-Man convinced he’d orchestrated the entire set-up in order to knock me off. He looked back at me with an innocent, blank face.
I picked my way slowly at first, one foot after the other on my tiptoes. Stepping over one mop, then a cone, then dodging quickly to the right a sign that seemed to be waiting for me to loose my footing and come crashing down on top of it. Each time I’d reach a stretch of tile without some foreign bright-colored obstacle, I’d sprint the few feet before returning to my slow deliberate trek across the land of the mop.
As I reached the home stretch, I heard Sunshine, still on the far side of the gas station, chuckling to the Mopping Man (TRAITOR!), "Don’t worry, I won’t flutter across like my friend."
When I once again reached dry land, I celebrated my incredible physical prowess. Hooray! I had conquered my new arch-nemesis, the QT Mopping Man, and quite possibly saved the entire world.
Epilogue: When I once again emerged from the QT potty, Mopping Man had disappeared, no doubt hiding his face from the shame. Sunshine and I thought it best to walk the long way past the QT Fountain Machine and Icees instead of braving the Slick Mop Maze again, possibly giving Mopping Man another chance to strike…
I turned to Sunshine in slow-motion like in the movies. With my eyes wide, my face pale, I starred at her over my shoulder like seeing the monster chasing you for the very first time, "Oh my GOD! I’m going to die! DIE! I can’t do this! Let’s go somewhere else."
"Where else?"
"I don’t know! Dear God, just take me somewhere without mops!"
She laughed and non-too-gently pushed me toward the wet terrain, "You’ll make it. Just don’t run."
Okay. Don’t run. Easy, right? Right. I glared at the Mopping-Man convinced he’d orchestrated the entire set-up in order to knock me off. He looked back at me with an innocent, blank face.
I picked my way slowly at first, one foot after the other on my tiptoes. Stepping over one mop, then a cone, then dodging quickly to the right a sign that seemed to be waiting for me to loose my footing and come crashing down on top of it. Each time I’d reach a stretch of tile without some foreign bright-colored obstacle, I’d sprint the few feet before returning to my slow deliberate trek across the land of the mop.
As I reached the home stretch, I heard Sunshine, still on the far side of the gas station, chuckling to the Mopping Man (TRAITOR!), "Don’t worry, I won’t flutter across like my friend."
When I once again reached dry land, I celebrated my incredible physical prowess. Hooray! I had conquered my new arch-nemesis, the QT Mopping Man, and quite possibly saved the entire world.
Epilogue: When I once again emerged from the QT potty, Mopping Man had disappeared, no doubt hiding his face from the shame. Sunshine and I thought it best to walk the long way past the QT Fountain Machine and Icees instead of braving the Slick Mop Maze again, possibly giving Mopping Man another chance to strike…
Labels: Drunken Adventures
This entry was posted
on 24.5.06 at 7:25 PM.
You can skip to the end and leave a response.
» Post a Comment