My Boobs Look Great
I haven't spoken to Boyfriend in a few weeks since I announced I couldn't possibly be conned into taking him back again. Problem is I apparently wasn't clear enough in the 'breaking up' announcement because he assumed that once classes ended, we'd be making wild monkey sex again. And in all honesty, I kind of was hoping all would be well again also, but classes ended two weeks ago and there has been no wild monkey sex.
So Boyfriend and I have been in this weird pause mode. Neither of us have really stepped up to figure out what's going on. And while I would love things to go back to their originally happy state, at this point I would settle for just knowing our official status. If we're broken up, I'd just like to know. But the thing about Boyfriend is that he really doesn't believe we are having problems (which we so are) and has decided to ignore the telltale signs. I on the other hand am ready to rip my goddamn hair out. I hate this half-way break up bullshit. That's the problem with 4-year relationships. They just won't die!
So last Friday when my cell rang at 2AM with his 'I'm A King' ring, I answered a little confused...to find that his delightfully chubby friend was drunk dialing my ass. I listened as Delightfully Chubby relayed the slurred story of their night at home doing nothing but drinking cheap beer and playing Madden.
When I asked where Boyfriend was (I could hear someone in the background trying to suppress masculine giggles) he informed me that Boyfriend was in bed since he had an early morning. I asked who was giggling and he yelled into the phone that Boyfriend's other friend (who I refer to as "The Lesbian" since he and Boyfriend are attached at the hip but refuse to acknowledge their gay relationship and got mad when I kept referring to him as "Sally") was also drunk. After a few minutes of undecipherable chattering on both their parts in which I was brought into the conversation randomly, I decided it was time to let them go and asked if they needed anything else.
At this point, Delightfully Chubby declared that Boyfriend was still "really, so, incredibly in love with you." I listened as DC went on and on about how Boyfriend has pictures of us everywhere in his new apartment and all he does is talk about how much he misses me.
"Oh yeah? So why hasn't he gotten off his dead ass and called me? Apparently, it isn't that hard, DC," I said meaningfully. DC laughed for awhile until he decided he'd done his duty as a good friend and shifted into drunk-and-horny mode. I could still hear Lesbian in the background laughing hysterically about something when DC started telling me how hot I am. No sorry, how "so crazy sexy you are. I mean your boobs...they're so great. I mean all big and --"
I interrupted before he got anymore graphic about my, admittedly great, boobs, "Hey DC, does Boyfriend know you're calling me?"
"Hell no. He'd kill me. I stole his phone when he fell asleep so I could call you and see what you're doin tonight."
"Sleeping. Or atleast I was trying to before...Look, DC I've got a long day tomorrow, I've got to go--"
"Yeah, you wouldn't want me anyway. Not after Boyfriend. He was getting out of the shower the other day and I saw his di--"
"DC! I really have to go. If you want to talk about Boyfriend's dick talk to Lesbian. I'm sure he's seen it plenty."
"Yeah. Totally. But you should call Boyfriend. He's really bummed."
"Don't worry, I'll definitely be calling him tomorrow."
"Really? Awesome. Tell him I talked you into it."
"Yeah, no problem."
I called Boyfriend the next day and relayed the conversation as he sat next to DC recovering on his couch. Boyfriend laughed a little but tended to growl more than anything, then started swearing his undying, loyal love to me. That's when I started to growl and informed him that his drunk friends were apparently capable of picking up his phone and calling me, but his undying love couldn't muster the balls to do the same. That's where the conversation ended.
Haven't talked to him since.
Which still leaves me officially fucked in trying to decipher our status, but apparently my boobs look really great. Atleast I've got that going for me.
So Boyfriend and I have been in this weird pause mode. Neither of us have really stepped up to figure out what's going on. And while I would love things to go back to their originally happy state, at this point I would settle for just knowing our official status. If we're broken up, I'd just like to know. But the thing about Boyfriend is that he really doesn't believe we are having problems (which we so are) and has decided to ignore the telltale signs. I on the other hand am ready to rip my goddamn hair out. I hate this half-way break up bullshit. That's the problem with 4-year relationships. They just won't die!
So last Friday when my cell rang at 2AM with his 'I'm A King' ring, I answered a little confused...to find that his delightfully chubby friend was drunk dialing my ass. I listened as Delightfully Chubby relayed the slurred story of their night at home doing nothing but drinking cheap beer and playing Madden.
When I asked where Boyfriend was (I could hear someone in the background trying to suppress masculine giggles) he informed me that Boyfriend was in bed since he had an early morning. I asked who was giggling and he yelled into the phone that Boyfriend's other friend (who I refer to as "The Lesbian" since he and Boyfriend are attached at the hip but refuse to acknowledge their gay relationship and got mad when I kept referring to him as "Sally") was also drunk. After a few minutes of undecipherable chattering on both their parts in which I was brought into the conversation randomly, I decided it was time to let them go and asked if they needed anything else.
At this point, Delightfully Chubby declared that Boyfriend was still "really, so, incredibly in love with you." I listened as DC went on and on about how Boyfriend has pictures of us everywhere in his new apartment and all he does is talk about how much he misses me.
"Oh yeah? So why hasn't he gotten off his dead ass and called me? Apparently, it isn't that hard, DC," I said meaningfully. DC laughed for awhile until he decided he'd done his duty as a good friend and shifted into drunk-and-horny mode. I could still hear Lesbian in the background laughing hysterically about something when DC started telling me how hot I am. No sorry, how "so crazy sexy you are. I mean your boobs...they're so great. I mean all big and --"
I interrupted before he got anymore graphic about my, admittedly great, boobs, "Hey DC, does Boyfriend know you're calling me?"
"Hell no. He'd kill me. I stole his phone when he fell asleep so I could call you and see what you're doin tonight."
"Sleeping. Or atleast I was trying to before...Look, DC I've got a long day tomorrow, I've got to go--"
"Yeah, you wouldn't want me anyway. Not after Boyfriend. He was getting out of the shower the other day and I saw his di--"
"DC! I really have to go. If you want to talk about Boyfriend's dick talk to Lesbian. I'm sure he's seen it plenty."
"Yeah. Totally. But you should call Boyfriend. He's really bummed."
"Don't worry, I'll definitely be calling him tomorrow."
"Really? Awesome. Tell him I talked you into it."
"Yeah, no problem."
I called Boyfriend the next day and relayed the conversation as he sat next to DC recovering on his couch. Boyfriend laughed a little but tended to growl more than anything, then started swearing his undying, loyal love to me. That's when I started to growl and informed him that his drunk friends were apparently capable of picking up his phone and calling me, but his undying love couldn't muster the balls to do the same. That's where the conversation ended.
Haven't talked to him since.
Which still leaves me officially fucked in trying to decipher our status, but apparently my boobs look really great. Atleast I've got that going for me.
Labels: All things Vagina, Completely Unrelated Rantings, The Boyfriend (duh Duh DUH)
This entry was posted
on 19.5.06 at 4:47 PM.
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