Boyfriend's Amazing Super Power
I know I’ve said this before, but Boyfriend truly has a gift.
My own personal super power is nothing compared to his. I may have the relatively harmless talent to embarrass myself daily, but Boyfriend has the amazing power of deep-throating his own foot whenever we’re in a public setting.
One past example of this:
When we’d first started dating Boyfriend was incredibly nervous around my, admittedly, intimidating father. We’d been dating a few weeks when my mom bought a pug. We were poking at it (as you would most oddities of nature) when Dad started rattling on about the initial reasons for breeding the small ugly things. He rambled for awhile about how royalty used to use them to warm their feet and how it wasn’t at all a waste of money to buy a small ugly piglet thing that snorts.
He eventually turned to Boyfriend and waited…after a few seconds Boyfriend realized Dad was waiting for some sort of input on the subject and faltered. "Er. Well yeah, and you know they have their eyes on the sides of their heads like those sharks so they can see other bigger predators…cause they’re related to those ones that are named after the tool…er…hammerheads! Yeah. Hammerheads. They’re related."
My dad and I stared at him for awhile before I changed topics.
Dad has never let Boyfriend live it down. Till this day he randomly shouts, "Hammerhead!" when Boyfriend is visiting.
Last night, my parents had a dinner for my aunt and nephew’s birthdays. I’ve mentioned it briefly before but my aunt was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a few cancerous nodes in one breast removed on Wednesday, and her other breast completely removed the day after. She’s still recovering from the surgery so the dinner was supposed to be a "Hey, cheerup!" thing.
Boyfriend was petting my/our dog (though he doesn’t take care of the thing) at the table as we all finished up our meals. Wookie (my dog) was trying his best to be stealthy in his hunting of the grilled chicken breast sitting at Boyfriend’s elbow.
My aunt had just gotten up to help with the cleaning and was standing directly behind us as Boyfriend suddenly turned and threw Wookie into my lap.
I glared at him, "What’d you do that for?"
He looked so exasperated as he waved his hands wildly around his head motioning at the chicken breast, "I don't want to loose my breast!"
The entire room went silent.
Boyfriend had not been briefed on my aunt’s situation before hand and continued on his tyrade about how he'd never hear the end of it if I was left with only one breast and why I should appreciate the fact that he was willing to defend his.
My jaw hit the floor.
Dad shoved his fist in his mouth.
Mom dropped a dish.
And then suddenly everyone was too busy cleaning up the forsaken food on the floor and fighting off the dogs to notice me punching Boyfriend methodically in the chest and pushing him into the bathroom to laugh my ass off.
It was sick. I know. But it’s like he has this God-given talent he just can’t control for saying the wrong thing at the exact moment that it will have the greatest impact.
It’s a gift.
One I think I enjoy much more than he does.
My own personal super power is nothing compared to his. I may have the relatively harmless talent to embarrass myself daily, but Boyfriend has the amazing power of deep-throating his own foot whenever we’re in a public setting.
One past example of this:
When we’d first started dating Boyfriend was incredibly nervous around my, admittedly, intimidating father. We’d been dating a few weeks when my mom bought a pug. We were poking at it (as you would most oddities of nature) when Dad started rattling on about the initial reasons for breeding the small ugly things. He rambled for awhile about how royalty used to use them to warm their feet and how it wasn’t at all a waste of money to buy a small ugly piglet thing that snorts.
He eventually turned to Boyfriend and waited…after a few seconds Boyfriend realized Dad was waiting for some sort of input on the subject and faltered. "Er. Well yeah, and you know they have their eyes on the sides of their heads like those sharks so they can see other bigger predators…cause they’re related to those ones that are named after the tool…er…hammerheads! Yeah. Hammerheads. They’re related."
My dad and I stared at him for awhile before I changed topics.
Dad has never let Boyfriend live it down. Till this day he randomly shouts, "Hammerhead!" when Boyfriend is visiting.
Last night, my parents had a dinner for my aunt and nephew’s birthdays. I’ve mentioned it briefly before but my aunt was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a few cancerous nodes in one breast removed on Wednesday, and her other breast completely removed the day after. She’s still recovering from the surgery so the dinner was supposed to be a "Hey, cheerup!" thing.
Boyfriend was petting my/our dog (though he doesn’t take care of the thing) at the table as we all finished up our meals. Wookie (my dog) was trying his best to be stealthy in his hunting of the grilled chicken breast sitting at Boyfriend’s elbow.
My aunt had just gotten up to help with the cleaning and was standing directly behind us as Boyfriend suddenly turned and threw Wookie into my lap.
I glared at him, "What’d you do that for?"
He looked so exasperated as he waved his hands wildly around his head motioning at the chicken breast, "I don't want to loose my breast!"
The entire room went silent.
Boyfriend had not been briefed on my aunt’s situation before hand and continued on his tyrade about how he'd never hear the end of it if I was left with only one breast and why I should appreciate the fact that he was willing to defend his.
My jaw hit the floor.
Dad shoved his fist in his mouth.
Mom dropped a dish.
And then suddenly everyone was too busy cleaning up the forsaken food on the floor and fighting off the dogs to notice me punching Boyfriend methodically in the chest and pushing him into the bathroom to laugh my ass off.
It was sick. I know. But it’s like he has this God-given talent he just can’t control for saying the wrong thing at the exact moment that it will have the greatest impact.
It’s a gift.
One I think I enjoy much more than he does.
Labels: Completely Unrelated Rantings, The Boyfriend (duh Duh DUH)
This entry was posted
on 10.7.06 at 5:34 PM.
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